Discouraged!

:-/

That face pretty much sums up my current perspective. Yes, right now I am questioning God's motive, which is really dumb and immature. God, who has been SO GREAT to me (especially lately). HE who planted seeds within my husband to find his life's calling and lay his feet upon that path. HE who saved my marriage when I began to lose courage and faith. It is His motive that I am questioning in my own life. It is not my job this time, it is my bible study!

Tonight, the women in my church and I began the first night of a 7 week bible study. I have been so so so excited about this and looking forward to it since the last one ended in the Spring. My sister-in-law (who is seriously plugged in at the church, and apparently one of the several girls who are in the Women's Leadership Team - news to me) has been keeping me up to date as to when this one would begin and little details, like that we would not be able to sit with people we know for this study.

I was (to tell the truth) a wee bit nervous about that, since I only know about 3 people that go to this church (even though I've been going there for 7 months), BUT I was looking forward to meeting fresh new faces (around my age... since I have been dying to make friends, I have NONE in my age group that I could have coffee with on a random Saturday morning). Well... I know my sisters-in-law, but I'm pretty sure Katie is getting sick of me and sick of dealing with my 1000 questions and Suzanne is always wickedly busy with her family. I want to get to know more people that I go to church with and could actually get to know (and vice versa). I was even more excited about being asked to help with registration at the beginning of the evening.

After all was said and done I arrive at my table. I am the youngest person at my table (by at least 10 years... and with the exception of one, the rest are about 20+ years older than me). One was a literature teacher at my middle school, when I went there. Another is my husband's Aunt, and another is the mom of a college aged daughter (I am just barely over college aged for crying out loud). I don't really connect with where these women are in their lives and I think that is one major road block for them understanding where my perception will be during this time of study and where the road block will be for me understanding their perceptions.

BUT, God must have put me at this table for a reason, right? I was thinking as I was sitting there (unfortunately not focusing 100% on what Lindsey - the Leader - was saying) why do I keep getting road blocks when I try to branch out, meet people and make friends? I couldn't even "cheat" my way into sitting with Katie (to which I am sure she had to have been a little relieved) because she sat at the special leadership table (which I thought was weird, considering everyone else has assigned seating... but ok).

I really want to meet people and make friends... this is the first (and only) church my husband and I actually enjoy (hallelujah!) but I can't shake this lost in translation feeling (a totally new development, by the way). I pray (so hard right now) that I will get past this without becoming even more discouraged... as I am feeling right now and that a light will shine and reveal to me the meaning of it all and the that the struggles my family and I are going through are not in vain.